Well, it's election night. Apparently if like us you're holding an 'Election Party', you're apparently middle class- according to the hilarious Jimmy Carr.
It's now 11.31pm. Our party of 4 is 25% asleep, leaving us with a swing of huge proportions towards boredom. 2 results have come (Sunderland) in and the most exciting thing to grace our screen thus far is the ample bosom of Anne Widdecombe. Every presenter from David Dimbleby, to the rather irritating 'Police Camera Action' Alastair Stewart is predicting all manner of result strategy based on exit poll stats and predictions.
George Osborne has just arrived on screen and we're discussing whether he'd look good in a Regency wig and tailcoat- his face and demeanor seem to suggest he slips into period costume when the cameras are off him.
Frankly, I need a whisky. But as with the televised political debates last week, i'm holding a mini debate between the chief contenders in my own cabinet. Which one is speaking the right language? Whose palate policy is winning here??
Now that most odious and pugnacious of figures, Nick Griffin can be seen grinning like a Jackal from his Barking constituency.
I definitely need a whisky.
My three candidates are as follows:
Highland Park 18yo - Solid, dependable and straight talking.
Ardbeg 10yo - A definite cabinet stalwart.
Yamazaki 18yo - A whisky whose smooth foreign policy is sure to get some attention.
Wow! now we're talking... Joan Collins is back on TV. Quite why, we're not sure, but we want to hear her views on electoral reform, not why she thinks David Cameron has nice hair.
The Highland Park has slipped down superbly. It speaks to us eloquently and with authority, a definite leader of men and whiskies. The Ardbeg is now warming our party nicely with its fuzzy, touchy feely, almost bedside (and certainly fireside) manner.
The Yamazaki is now taking the stage for its keynote speech. Smooth, fruity and long lasting with definite maturity, most certainly qualities one would hope for in a politician and certainly in a whisky.
Frankly, we're gradually drifting away from the coverage. Time check: 12.36 and they have still only announced 3 firm results- all Labour, yet apparently we're going to see a 'Definite Hung Parliament' according to all the experts. The last time that happened was 1977 (1974 before that) and the formal coalition between Labour and the Liberal party, seeing Jim Callahan as the (ultimately ill-fated) PM.
1977 and 1974. Perhaps very shabby times for politics, with the ensuing economic and industrial strife. But both sensational years for Ardbeg, thinking back to my 2 favourite vintages!!
Perhaps a hung parliament will produce another bumper year... Wake me up when the results are in.