In this series of our top picks for
items under £30, we have looked at some excellent offerings which
give you fantastic 'bang for your buck'. However, it can be a total
minefield out there, and you have to be very careful when treading the boards at the lower end of the marketplace.
Okay, this is also true at the top end
of the whisky world, too. But it seems to be a truism that at the
higher end, you're much more likely to get a bottle of excellent
booze than you are the bottom end of the scale. It's just that at the
very high end, the big question tends to be around 'value for money', because if something has an extreme price tag attached, the key element is 'just how good is the
hooch'?
Hopefully this selection of short posts
will acts as some sort of a guide when it comes to the cheaper bottles around; your pillars of fire in the night
and cloud in the day, to guide you to the best purchases in town. But
on this one occasion, we're not just going to give you some advice on
what to spend your 'hard earned' on, but also something to studiously
avoid...
So our first DON'T EVEN GO THERE EVEN
FOR UNDER £30 comes in the form of this hideous monstrosity:
"Optimum Spirits Blended Whisky"
Sitting comfortably on the shelf of my
local Tesco store, in the Scotch Malt Whisky section, (you naughty,
nautghy people, Tesco, you) the label doesn't mention the word 'Scotch' at
all. In fact, one quick glance at the rear of this 'eco refill pack'
shows it's actually from a Dutch distillery, the Toorank Distillery (I guess with a name like this, at least there's a modicum of honesty...) to be precise... which most certainly makes this NOT a Scotch whisky.
It's not often that we sing the praises
of the Scotch Whisky Association (who can be seen to tie the creative hands of the whisky-making community in Scotland a little). However, it is situations such as this where you'd hope they'd flex some of the muscle of
which they so often talk and at least have a word with Tesco to make
sure this item is not simply stuck in the middle of the 'Scotch' bottles on the shelf.
How about some sort of stickering to make the average consumer aware of the authenticity of the 'whisky' inside this pouch? And I've not even begun to describe the giant '14' on the front label. 14 Years Old? Nope, '14 servings of whisky inside'... I think Michael Caine put it perfectly, here, when it comes to this product.
How about some sort of stickering to make the average consumer aware of the authenticity of the 'whisky' inside this pouch? And I've not even begun to describe the giant '14' on the front label. 14 Years Old? Nope, '14 servings of whisky inside'... I think Michael Caine put it perfectly, here, when it comes to this product.
In the interests of good journalism, I decided to purchase a packet for the princely sum of £8. Yes, that's £8 Shall we see what we get for our money:
Optimum Spirits Blended Whisky – 14
Servings – 30% abv - 35cl - £8
Nose: There are the typical notes of
heavy grain whisky, with a huge amount of spirit and acetone. This
whisky is YOUNG! As a result, some tinned peaches in syrup and a hint
of fresh pine are about all you're going to get.
Palate: Ugh, this is simply one of the
worst whiskies I've ever tasted. It's like a bad Frankie Boyle joke:
bitter, horrible and leaves an awful taste in your mouth. It's like
someone has tried to glue my mouth shut using a fixer made not from the whole of a horse, but just from the genitalia.
Finish: If I'm being polite: very
young, spirit tones and a hint of bright banana. If I'm being honest:
salty and synthetic... utterly awful.
Overview: “Dear Tesco: what the f- do
you think you're playing at?! Seriously. With this stuff, I might have
to get all Malcolm Tucker on your ass...”
So, what do you buy for your £8 which
might be better than this total liquid let down, this purgatory in a
pouch?
Well, not a lot to be honest.
Yesterday's £10-ish 20cl of
Lagavulin 16 doesn't so much as play both Emperor and King over this
Jester of an offering, but also plays God to something which tastes
like Satan's house whisky from the bowels of hell.
But if £8 is your limit, your absolute
maximum for a purchase, then head over to Master of Malt, who do
their wonderful 'Drinks By The Dram' selection. Here, you may only
get 10% of the size of the pouch above, but you won't feel like you've
had Dutch squatters in your mouth, using your tongue for a mattress and your molars as toilets.